The past few weeks have brought a lot of “tired” into my life. Tired physically. Tired mentally. Tired emotionally. In seasons of transition, when my heart is on the brink of so many new things, fatigue seems to be waiting around every corner. Packing up an old life & starting a new one is somehow exhilarating & exhausting in the same breath. And no matter how many naps I take, the pile of to-do lists is still waiting when I wake up. Life is weird like that.
Lately, my tired soul has just been falling into bed & Netflix-ing into oblivion every night. (Yes, Netflix is a verb in my world.) My days are so full of writing, of planning, of conversations, that sometimes, I feel too drained for Jesus. The very source of life is waiting for me in that communion with Him. I know that — in my head. But my heart is just so tired.
Here’s the truth: carving out time with Jesus is not easy. There are a million voices — some subtle, some screaming — that call for our time, our energy, & our attention. Showing up to an intimate relationship requires sacrifice & vulnerability, neither of which are easy to give up. But when we expect easy, we buy into a weak version of what real relationship is. What it can be.
I’m learning to show up, even at my weakest & weariest. He’s not expecting my A-game. He’s just expecting me. He loves the me that is confused in transition, that’s fighting through uncertainty, that’s grasping for new relationships while clinging to old ones. He loves me even when living in two cities is hard, when my room’s a mess & my to-do lists aren’t done, when my actions show that I love Netflix more than I love seeking Him. I’d rather hide when things feel messy, but today, I’m going to show up in the mess & say, “I’m just here because I need You.” At the end of the day, it’s true —of both my heart & yours. I’m closing my laptop & opening my tired soul. Will you?